X.J. Kennedy |
It's X.J. Kennedy Parody Award time again! I'll be sending in three this year. Wish me luck! By popular request, here is my finalist poem from two years ago, "Pack Rat", a parody of Edna St. Vincent Millay's "Renasacence". Enjoy!
PACK
RAT
—after
“ Renascence” by Edna St.
Vincent Millay
All I could see
from where I lay
Was stuff saved
for a rainy day.
I turned and
looked around the place
And saw what I’d
kept, just in case.
So with my eyes I
traced the walls
Of my apartment’s
rooms and halls,
Straight around,
above, below
To where I’d
turned five lines ago;
And all I saw from
where I lay
Was stuff saved
for a rainy day.
Over these things
I could not see
For bins and boxes
bounded me.
I tried to touch
them with my hands—
Those giant balls
of rubber bands,
Those Wallabees I
never wore,
Those doodads from
the dollar store!
But sure the floor
is there, I said:
Somewhere beneath
the sofa-bed;
I’ll get down on
my knees, and yes,
I’ll look my fill
into the mess.
And so I looked,
and sure enough,
Beneath a pyramid
of stuff,
Between the window
and the door
I came across a
patch of floor!
Big deal! I
thought, in no time flat
I’ll manumit the
welcome mat!
I’ll advertise an
open house!
Then all at once I
spied a mouse.
I screamed, and
—lo!— the murine froze
Then scurried up a
pile of clothes.
I
tried to bash him with a book,
A homemade cosh of
Life and Look.
My cats joined in
the raucous blitz,
My dogs joined in
but called it quits;
I stumbled over
cans and crates
Of grub with old expiry
dates,
Until it seemed I
must behold
Agglomerate made
manifold.
I set a cheddar
booby-trap
And lay down for a
midday nap.
I dreamed of empty
Mason jars,
I saw garage
sales, church bazaars;
Who should appear
to plague my snooze,
But Mickey
shitting in my shoes!
I saw and heard
and knew at last
I’d have to clean
up good and fast;
I’d have to go
through every heap,
Decide what I
would cast or keep.
My Universe, cleft
to the core,
Would smell of
Lysol evermore!
I fain would toss
what some call trash,
Delete my history
and cache;
But never in a
million years
My Philco with its
rabbit ears.
I would not, —nay!
‘Twas too unfair
To throw away my
teddy bear.
All hoards were of
my hoarding, all
Redress was mine,
and mine the haul
Of every ragman;
mine the job
Of every slattern,
every slob
Who, in their
spurn of suds and soap,
Depend upon a
forlorn hope.
I said it mattered
not a jot,
But each bag held
a second thought.
I was attached to
all my things
With miles of multi-colored
strings.
I filled a burlap gunnysack,
Then wept and put
each item back.
A sad girl dressed
in dark Capris
(those pants that
end below the knees)
Went shopping on Rodeo Drive,
Bought thirty thongs
then came alive.
A man with
melancholy eyes
Amassed a treasure
trove of ties,
Dependent on his
silk cocaine.
I knew the
feeling, felt his pain.
No ache I did not
feel, no twinge
I could not share.
Each jag, each binge,
Each blowout sale,
each dumpster was
An avatar of Santa
Claus.
All obloquy was
mine, and mine
The ordinance to
toe the line.
Oh, awful burden!
Yin and yang,
Mr. Clean, the
hazmat gang,
Descended on my
stockpiled rooms
Equipped with
buckets, mops and brooms;
Then came the
Lifetime Channel crew,
Nosy neighbors in
a queue,
A shrink to rouse
me from my funk,
A blue container
for my junk.
My lucid dream was
such a load
It contravened the
building code;
The floor gave way
and I was thrust
Into the cellar’s
dark and dust;
My dolls, unseated
from their shelves,
OMG’d among themselves.
My tax returns, my
water bills,
My overrated
sleeping pills,
A platform shoe, a
roller skate,
Some weed from
nineteen sixty-eight,
Came crashing down
upon my brow.
I was in deep,
deep doo-doo now.
I tried to move,
but I could not,
For every thing
I’d ever bought
And stashed and
never used or worn
Had come to haunt
or else to mourn.
Then all at once I
heard the sound
Of first
responders. I’d been found!
And while I waited
for release
An unexpected
sense of peace
Suffused my soul
from head to toe
Amid the strains
of Let It Go.
Right then I knew
I’d be OK,
I’d live to die
another day.
And though
determined to be free,
I ached for one
last shopping spree.
I longed for
Michaels’ bric-a-brac,
The tees on
Walmart’s close-out rack;
The bagatelles,
the bibelots,
The fripperies and
furbelows;
The pennies waiting
to be found,
Action Comics by the pound;
Photos, trinkets,
objets d’art,
Souvenirs from
near and far.
For soon I’ll be
the feng shui queen,
My kitchen will be
squeaky-clean;
Each item in its
proper place,
A plenitude of
breathing space,
The clutter gone,
I’ll cease to hoard,
Sterility its own
reward.
How can I bear it,
lying here,
While overhead
they joke and jeer,
calling me batty,
boffo, flake,
chucking that
piece of wedding cake
I’d saved for
forty years (inside
the freezer) with its
groom and bride.
O, multitude of
multisets,
Belovèd Johnny
Cash cassettes
That I shall
never, never see
Again! O, save
just one for me!
O God, I cried,
forgive my sin;
Don’t send me to
the loony bin!
Then suddenly I
overheard
A conversation,
word for word:
My terrifying fall
from grace
Had been declared
a hopeless case.
I listened
closely. They were gone.
My prayer was
answered. Thereupon,
García Márquez’
ghost appeared;
He took control
and commandeered
Each pink
flamingo, garden gnome,
Each knick-knack
in my Home Sweet Home;
He made them fly,
he made them dance,
He put my spirit
in a trance.
Was this a reverie,
a spell,
Or was it rapture?
Who can tell?
I know not how
such things can be;
I only know there
came to me
A redolence of stinky
cheese
Disguised by
droplets of Febreze;
A sound I could
not quite divine—
A squeal, a
scratching and a whine.
The mouse! I wasn’t
dreaming, then!
Awakened in the
world of men
And women, I was
tickled pink—
It all was there:
the kitchen sink,
My slippers, none
the worse for wear,
My seventh set of
Tupperware;
A paint-by-number
aquarelle,
Three hundred
rolls of Cottonelle.
The Stars and
Stripes, the Christmas wreath,
Two grown-up
children’s baby teeth;
My mother’s
brooch, my father’s hat,
Ten tokens for the
Laundromat;
A yearbook, gold
and navy blue,
A rose pressed to
page forty-two.
My vision of the
spic-and-span,
The grim and
greedy garbage man,
Had served to
vindicate my itch:
I was the paragon
of kitsch.
Ah! Up then from
the floor sprang I,
Exclaimed Yeehaw! and slapped my thigh;
I let my hair
down, lived it up,
Swilled bourbon
from a coffee cup.
I frolicked in my
birthday suit
And didn’t give a
fuck or hoot;
I hugged the
ground, the grass, the trees,
Oblivious of Lyme
disease.
Inebriate with
happiness,
I’d realized that
more is less.
My confidence at
last restored,
I jumped for joy
and praised the Lord.
Each Hallelujah!, Cohen-style,
Made recent
wretchedness worthwhile;
I felt that God
had made me see
The elegance of
entropy,
The value of the
button box,
The brass of she
who understocks.
And as I said my
last Amen,
And disavowed the
cult of Zen,
In natural
affinity
Wee beastie smiled
and clicked with me.
Diogenes slept in
a jar;
I may start
sleeping in my car;
For I have crammed
my closet space
With foibles of
the human race.
Life often splits
the soul in two,
And makes off with
one’s honey-dew;
It sours the milk
of Paradise,
It wrecks the
plans of men (and mice).
North and South
and East and West
Are jam-packed
with the dispossessed;
And she who stacks
her beauties high
Will tumble with
them by and by.
Catherine Chandler
1165, Rue des Sittelles
Saint-Lazare, Quebec
J7T 2N8
Canada
Phone :
011-598-94-700-629 (Uruguay)
Phone :
450-510-2564 (Canada)
NAME OF POEM: PACK RAT